Heaping Pile

Do you ever feel stuck?  I mean really stuck, like there is no way out.  If you added one more thing to your plate you would fall apart.  It could be the littlest thing, that would cause this leaning tower to  tumble to the ground inevitably hitting the cold, hard bottom.  Some days are great and vibrant and full of life and I feel lucky and blessed that God has chosen me to be a part of something so wonderful and challenging at the same time.  But then there are those days, the ones that are more often than not, when I could sit in the middle of the floor and really fall apart, paralyzed with the depth of the situation.  It is times like that when I know I need to press into the Living Waters that flow through me, the God that saves me, the hope that I so desperately need to cling too.

You know what I find that always happens when you think you are about to break, when you have reached the point of no return and you feel like you are going under, you know what happens, something miraculous.  Something wonderful, a situation changes, a circumstance becomes a distant memory, the present becomes the past and the future is bright and sunny because that hope that you have been holding onto, that hope that has been the only thing that keeps you a float from day to day has finally become tangible!  And you can taste the atmosphere change, you can see things in a new day and you can get a new motivation and momentum going. 

Now, its not all doom and gloom over here, but from where I sit it can be very stressful and at times seem unbearable to work full time from home while raising twin 6 month old boys, keeping the house in order, cooking and running errands on a weekly basis.  Some days are so hard you really could dig a hole and just live there but most of the time I realize that God gives you only what you can really handle and its usually more than what you thought you could :) Lets be real and agree that life isn't always daisies and roses and sometimes its just a heaping bag of sheesh that someone so inappropriately left at your door.  Its those times that you have to laugh and smile because you are ultimately taken care of and your basic needs are met and even if they aren't you're still breathing aren't you?  So chin up, look at the bright side and with every pile you encounter just remember there is someone somewhere laughing at your expense so you might as well join them:)

I hear ya cluckin'

Candace

I'm turning into my mother!

Often times I wonder if I am doing this life at all right. 

After I lay my head down on that hard pillow at night and have a moment to catch my breath, I think "Did I really live today?"

There is a part of me that doubts I will ever accomplish the things I set out before me.  And why should I?  I put enough road blocks in front of me that it would be difficult for even the most determined of person to get done what really needs to be done. There has to come a moment in time that you realize with all the chaos that surrounds you, all the kids screaming in the background, the dogs jumping all over the furniture and the laundry piling up so high you could literally build a small mountain, it's that moment that you step back and wonder if this is the way it was meant to be.

I am not one to believe in coincidences and I am not even sure I believe in fait.  No, I tend to believe that you make your own destiny, that God hand-picked you for such a time as this and He chose for you to do something extraordinary, life-altering, but it is up to you to make it happen.  It seems like a lot to live up too at times and I can feel the anxiety of day to day tasks wearing and tearing me down.

I wonder what others lives must be like and how some make it seem so easy and productive.  I think if they can do it why can't I?!  And then with a gleam of hope and a twinkle in my I eye I set out to inevitably fail.  Yes, that's right, FAIL.  Not because I am weaker or not as strong, because honestly I tend to think a little too highly of myself and know I am stronger than most.  No, it is because I am leaning too much on my own strength, too much on my own understanding and not enough on God's. 

I began to hear that same old tune in my ears of "you'll never make it", "you'll never finish it, just like you never finish anything", and it all becomes too much to bear so I give up.  I push it off, I change lanes and I quite. That is one trait I will never pass off onto my boys, I will never let them give up on something.  I will never let them listen to everyone else tell them they can't instead of listening to the one that tells them they ALREADY HAVE! 

In order for them to grow up with this image of themselves they must first see it in me.  They must see me reading the Word every day and praying every night.  They must first see the habits and traits come alive in me so that they may fashion theirs after mine.  So, how do I break this cycle, this generational curse of "should-of's and would-of's, if I had million dollars and if I knew what I know nows".  No, it's time that I take this vessel that God gave me and see what it can really do, see who I really can become if I just stick to it.  I am not sure I will succeed how I want to but I am sure I won't give up till I reach the end.  You see, a funny thing happens when you have children that watch your every move and want to be just like mommy and daddy, you begin to realize that you don't want them to wake up one day and say "I am turning into my mother!"  I want them to wake up one day and say with sheer delight and joy "I AM TURING INTO MY MOTHER, YES!!!"

Until tomorrow, I hear ya cluckin',

Big Chicken